adrian’s posterous

Why I'm not too keen on having children.

I realize a lot of this sounds like complaining, but it's not.  I have about as great a life as I could hope/want/ask for.  These are simply my observations on the nature of human life and the world we live in.

1. Life is hard and full of suffering

I live in maybe the wealthiest, easiest to live in, most convenient society that recorded history has ever seen.  I think in terms of how easy I have had life, I am probably in the 0.5% percentile of human beings on the planet in terms of food, shelter, education, a free and stable society etc.  And I still find life to be hard on an absolute scale.

On the mini-micro level, I think about how terrible I feel when I have simple things like headaches or diarrhea or a common cold / flu.  These are things that it's almost guaranteed my child would have to endure.  Birth.  Pain.  Think of cradling your 2 year old with a cold who's crying, doesn't really know why, but they feel like crap, and as a parent there's nothing you can really do for them.  Or 6 years old and throwing up in the bathroom.  Puberty.  Teething.  Losing baby teeth.  These are pretty much guaranteed to happen.  If I have a daughter, she'll have menstrual cramps and bleed every single month for 30 or 40 years.  When they get old their body will deteriorate and they won't be able to walk.  Do I really want to inflict this upon another person?  Not really.

On a micro level, there are things that are less probable, but that I know exist and have some non-trivial chance of affecting my child, like stupid people cutting you off on the freeway, death of friends/family/loved ones, chicken pox, basically all of the crappy stuff that happens in the world even in our sheltered first world lives. 

Finally, on a macro level, the world is full of injustice and randomness that I can't even come close to understanding, much less explain to my kid.  War, terrorism, poverty, famine, drive-by shootings, getting run over by an SUV, seeing your friend die of cancer, etc.

Also, although I have it pretty much as easy as it goes, relatively speaking, it is hard work to make money and feed myself/family etc.  Pretty much regardless of who you are short of being a trust fund kid, it's hard work.

Not to say that life isn't full of wonderful experiences and that I'm not grateful for all that I have, but when I am experiencing the above, if I had a choice between not existing vs. experiencing the high highs and low lows of life, I'm usually wishing for the former.


2. Genetics are freaky

A child is a PERSON with an independent personality.

A lot (not all, but a lot) of people think of their kids as extensions of themselves, they'll be just like mommy/daddy, etc.

a) IF this were the case, I would not be that happy about it...the things that attract me to my wife as well as some of my own personality traits that make us happy, productive adults (incessant curiosity, love of independence, bias towards responsibility and logic, need for order) make for a miserable childhood experience.

Personally, childhood was an awkward, difficult experience for me.  I always wanted to know why, where we were going, what we were doing.  I didn't know how to relate to other kids and once you learn, you're no longer that age anymore and you have to re-learn again. I was always asserting my independence with my parents and that led to tons of friction and fighting.

Furthermore, there are PLENTY of traits of my own that I'm sure will be fantastically terrible for another human being to have...I'm sickly, socially awkward, extremely clumsy, etc.  Really, do I want to inflict all this on someone else?

b) Often (a) is not true...i.e. my kid could turn out like one of the grandparents, or aunts or uncles.  I have seen this firsthand...just look at how different siblings can turn out.  This could be a really good thing, or a really bad thing...I'm sure you can think of relatives you would and would not like your kid to turn out like.  I happen to think that personality is probably 75% genetics and 25% nurture based on my limited observation of children/babies, so this can be a quite scary thing indeed.


3. Selfishly, raising kids is a pain in the neck

Ask a new parent how much sleep they got in the last year, how many diapers they have changed, how many times they've been spit up upon.  Of course, they will say it is absolutely worth it to see their kid love them, etc, and I totally believe them, and if they think it is worth it for them, awesome.

For me, I think of dragging tons of equipment (stroller, baby wipes, diapers, etc etc etc) just to go to the grocery store.  Of chauffeuring from friend's house to school to etc.  Of teenage boyfriend drama, of bad decisions, of temper tantrums and potty training and ABC books and PTA conferences, dumb teachers, and other parents fawning over their kids.  Makes me want to barf.

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So, those are a few of the reasons I don't really want kids. 

Happy thanksgiving!